My grandparents are responsible if any misfortune occurs to me, my bro or my parents.
Yes, I am Pragya Khokhar & I am saying this in all my senses because after what all happened yesterday, I am afraid & not sure about our lives.
My grandparents always had a fight with my parents once a while as far as I remember, but Yesterday (7 June, 2021), they said “go to the railway line & die with them” thrice to my parents in front of me (18) & my younger brother (16). This was so heartbreaking that they didn’t even think about what impact would it have on our mental health. My mom in heat of the moment, couldn’t control her emotions, & she started to move out of the home holding me & my brother’s hand.
It was too difficult to stop her but me & my father anyhow stopped her from doing so.
I was trembling & shaking in terror, I was shocked by what just happened.
I have been going through such incidences since 12 or 13 years of age, that’s when I became mature & started understanding things.
I told my mom, “mom, you’re bearing all this for 20 years (since the day she married & starting living in this home), now when the happiness is about to come i,e; myself being self-dependent; you’re losing courage; can’t you wait 3-4 more years!?”
This was how I calm down my mom. But deep down, I was afraid & sad. I later cried in my room.
Mom had had made another such attempt one more time, i.e; half a year back. It was early morning, I hadn’t woken up since then. She locked herself in the room & was placing a rope onto the ceiling fan, my father told me this later. He called my mom, she didn’t respond, he saw all this from the window of that room, that opens on the road. But my father’s physique helped him broke the door. I was shocked to hear & see that the door’s handle was really broken, as I have seen this in the movies only since now. I didn’t dare to talk to mom for a day as I was not mentally prepared. But later, I asked in jolly casual way, as usual, & she said “yeah, anything could happen.” But when she saw my eyes became wide open, she said “I am kidding. Do you really think I am such a fool to let you deal with this fierce world alone.”
At which, I showed my teeth in a smily cheese position but deep down, I was actually sad & terrifiedin the heart.
Since I started understanding things, I directly talked to my parents about everything & I am glad they clearly tell me each & everything no matter what. I always make them smile with my stupidity & strange kidsu acts.
They became normal & childish so fast with me. But I am still tensed to leave them alone for even a few minutes, what if in wake of anger some misfortune took place, suicide attempt by parents or something worse by my grandparents!!?
When I am there, I can handle every situation but what if something happened in my absence!? I am really scared & everytime they are away from my sight, I just pray God for their safety.
Amid, the Corona pandemic, my grandparents asked us to leave, we have nowhere to go. Everything is on my grandparent’s name, let it be home, farms or agricultural land; though my parents contributed with money but now they having no proof of it; obviously because there’s no mine & yours in a family but ours, they didn’t expect such things before.
They don’t give us a single penny, themselves getting pension but spending from ours.
It’s is easy for you to say, “leave them, stay somewhere else.”
My parents being married early, couldn’t finish studies, just followed their parent’s instructions. My father had a private job before, later left & started an e-vehicle agency, having a profit of approx. Rs. 10,000-12,000 monthly which is equal to the school & tuition fees of my brother only.
Hardly they gave my father the agricultural land they owe for farming. The money by selling whose produce then came into my grandfather’s back account because the farms are in his name. Of which, he gave us only a little amount of money.
My parents did so much for them for long & this is the result they got.
I have seen the time when my parents had just Rs. 20,000 left in their bank account.
They have given such a huge amount of Rs. 3 Lac, 90 thousands & 75,000 etc. to our relatives in need, but now they refuse to give it back & keep delaying when we are need.
Mom-dad always says, “don’t worry, you focus on your studies, we’ll sell all our jewellery if needed but you just carry on your studies & do whatever you want to do in your life, we are always by your side & would support ever decision of yours. And don’t worry about our lives, see those who have moremiserable life than ours” Just smile & work hard.
I just want my parents to be happy forever & always pray to God, if I ever reborn give me them only, as my parents.
But I am afraid because I am preparing for UPSC, a govt job, in which you shouldn’t have any kind of criminal case.
Yesterday, my grandma tried her best to arose me with her abusive words, to hit her so as if injured even a little, she can go & file a complaint against me but thanks to God that I have an extraordinary control over my anger & feelings & didn’t loose my senses.
She said, “you’ll go to jail, you’ll be imprisoned” 5-6 times to me.
Now, I am afraid bcoz’ she can even make false allegations & spoil my career.
I can’t let it happen, because I am bearing all this torture just because I am determined to give my parents a happy life by myself becoming independent & leading a happy life I desired & I know I’ll definitely do this but for this I need me & my parents to be alive. Now, mom is really tensed about my career, coz’ that old lady, who is my so-called grandma, can do anything. Before, she alongwith his husband kept torturing my parents & now my mom is worried as it has come to me now.
It’s too difficult for me to study in such an environment. Those voices of fights & screams use to disturb & distract me. I am having a severe headache for at least 2-3 days after every fight in the house.
So, I started studying at night in a peaceful environment & slept in the morning. In starting all was going well but sooner I confronted sleeping issues.
It took me a week’s time to understand that I was suffering from insomnia & have had a little sleep of about only 3-4 hours a day for more than 3 months. Because of lack of sleep, my head aches & my eyes pain.
I really can’t even imagine what my parents have gone through every now & then in our growing up, without letting us know all this.
We are not asking them for money or something, we never did; we just want metal peace. Right now, I just don’t even want to see their faces, don’t wanna hear their names, I hate their presence. I can’t bear to be with them.
Before lockdown, at least some hours in college & coaching were tension free.
But now, 24*7 in this environment for 2 years is just unimaginably terrific, I am suffocating.
This is just the 3% of what’s happening in my life.
Didn’t seems to be real, right!?
Yeah, just because I never showed or never told anyone about my problems, not even my parents, doesn’t means that my life’s running smooth. I always have that smiling face which makes others smile as well.
And I am not telling you all this now because I want any kind of sympathy or help or to show my greatness. Naah!!! I am proud on myself & literally don’t care about what the rest of the world think about me or my life. All what matters to me is what I & my parents think about me. No-one else’s opinion bothers me.
I actually wanted to do a live on Instagram about this. But mere thinking about it, my eyes got filled with tears & throat became dry; in no time I understood that in live, I would be just shedding tears & not speaking a single word. So I chose writing, coz’ I rarely speak up my heart but I am good at expressing my feelings through writing.
So, I posted it just as a proof, in case if something unwanted happens; coz’ they are so greedy that they can do anything to satisfy their desires.
I want to live my life to the fullest, I don’t know what happens next, at least I tried my best & would keep fighting until my last breathe. I can proudly say that I faced everything proudly & handled every situation calmly.